CHILDHOOD AGAIN

LIVING MY CHILDHOOD AGAIN

Just read a post about a child learning to walk holds on to things, wobbles and grows……..till he grows old and traces the same way back, looking for support!

Certain memories don’t die and remain impacted. I remember one elderly gentleman in our neighborhood who loved caring for a very small well he had made, plastering it every day and enjoying the act, and his love for eight chicks that had just hatched: Small furry balls that would tumble without reason.

Life was all about restrictions: Don’t do that and don’t do this. Places where children were not allowed. Often needed permission to do things that did not need any!

Often I had not sufficient money to do things I wanted to. Of course this carried on for a long time; I always fell short of it. Even as a young officer I made good with a second hand motorcycle and also a second hand car. Maybe I wanted to possess them before time.

So I always fell short of money, but never borrowed or paid PDC. Cutting it short, it was just before my 60^th birthday, I was diagnosed with cerebral spondylitis. Did I lose time? Was it too late? With the X-rays in my hand I headed for my car and not the medical officer, lest he list down restrictions.

I sat for while inside my car and decided to live my life…..and straight headed for the motorcycle showroom, selected a brand new motorcycle and came home. Within hours I was back, riding the black avenger….to celebrate my 60^th birthday!

Giving it a cool thought I reconciled that I was not needed by others actually….. (Difficult to express but I did). All duties were done and I was free to lead my own life.

So I got down to list things I would like to do to enjoy every moment, without the thought of earning or spending. I also resolved to shed the attitude of an army officer. I just wanted to dirty my hands with whatever I liked to do. Use my time my way, wear what I wanted to, speak with an open mind…..maintain friendship with only those who mattered!

So it was, that led to carpentry, house maintenance, garden, terrace garden, hen keeping, and abstract painting!

Things that I do with childlike happiness are like tending to my flock of five Rhode Island Reds. I built a small cozy hut on my terrace within a green garden decorated with flickering lights. Also tucked in a small seat for emergency conveniences.

Bose headphones and Sony speakers for music that always ends my day.

With a few friends who really matter, the count on FB has been reduced drastically. With very few outgoing messages and calls…where I thank my groups to yet keep me posted.

Corona or no corona, life is mostly unchanged comfortable. With profound thanks to my army life that fetches me a pension and peace with my partner and son….I am living like a child.

SHANTI

SHANTI

This story makes me wonder if I should put them across in chronologic order! Well still wondering. But the story is the first in my life in OG, where people gauged my metal!

I was relegated for lack of performance in my 2 mile test while I was excellent in all other tests. To the extent that, I must confess, that I did tests for others who rose to higher ranks!

So on the face of it I was one of the senior lot in the course. I had decided to excel in all the outdoor events.

It was a rainy day, and the horses were not too happy somehow.  As it started drizzling the horses neighed and were getting out of control. Suddenly one of the horses with mount Malhotra (Mallu) suddenly reared up on his hoofs and lost balance, fell backwards, crushing Mallu’s leg below his massive weight. There was commotion, as the horse stood up on his fours, but Mallu was in tremendous pain. He was rushed to the hospital. Later his commission was delayed on medical grounds ….

Every rider got cautious and we assembled towards the trees to avoid rain as ustads controlled the situation.

Accidents don’t repeat themselves I thought. And suddenly my neighboring horse side bucked. II don’t remember his kick touching me. Then suddenly we heard the order “Dismount”.

As taught, with both hands on the saddle raising oneself athletically, feet together we dismounted. I did land but to my surprise, my right leg just turned at right angles between my knee and the ankle! It was a bizarre sight, with skin distended to a yellow bulge. I could literally see my tibia trying hard to poke out of my skin.

I had a fracture of my upper humorous neck as a child and had undergone open surgery, so I knew what I was heading for. Nothing mattered then than to save my leg. I handed the reins to the ustad and sat on the soggy soil, sweating. I asked some friends to hold me tight except my broken leg and real tight even if I cried loud. As they did, I held my knee and ankle in either hand and yanked them apart putting them in alignment again. Believe me, I wished hard that it should join that way. I had already lost a term; I would not be able to go home after being medically boarded out. How would I face my parents, neighbor’s n friends!

As we waited for the MO, all faces were floating before me, mostly my parents who did not want me to join the army. The riding period was getting over, horses were being taken away. I did not let anyone touch me and asked for the stretcher. As a cadet it was not common to command the situation, but I had no option. I knew that I was the best judge.

Then the ambulance arrived with the MO on duty. As it happens, the behavior of the DS/RMO is rude. They have to handle many cases where cadets feign. “Stand up GC” he yelled. I still remember, I raised my hand and said “Don’t touch me, my leg is fractured”. But as he approached me, maybe to pull me up….i just raised my knee when the rest of the leg remained where it was! I still remember the look on his face; he ran back to the ambulance and fetched a splint. Then with the greatest care I was taken to the MH, Dehradun, it was late evening then. Surprisingly, I was seen the next morning. But the best part was when the surgical specialist praised my action of straightening the leg, avoiding the need for an open surgery. The tibia had locked in place, the fracture was simple. The fibula overlapped a little, but the specialist advised against surgery. I did pass out that very term, and that’s a different story.

The mare was SHANTI.

THE GUJRAT CYCLONE

The GUJRAT CYCLONE

It was in the year 1998, My morale was not so high; I had just been overlooked in my board for the next promotion. My own views on officers who were overlooked had started haunting me.

We had moved lock stock and barrel to Dhrangdhara.  A total change of terrain, we were to serve in the deserts. I was putting up a show of high morale, I know. Professional knowledge was my strong point. And staying deeply engrossed in technical training took away defeatist thoughts.

I believed that officers who were overlooked should relinquish command for various reasons and only the ones who were in the race should command, write the future of other officers etc. Future in the army looked bleak but one had to earn the bread.

I was eager to train my boys on the surveillance radars in this new sector. There being no high ground, my keen radar troop commander (an able JCO) suggested that we mount the radar head on top of a water tower nearby.

The 1998 Gujarat cyclone (Joint Typhoon Warning Center designation: 03A; India Meteorological Department designation: ARB 02) was a deadly tropical cyclone that killed at least 10,000 people in India. The highest winds blew across Gujrat, to the tune of 3 min sustained at 165 Km/h and roe to 195 km/h for a minute. The damage estimate was about $3 billion as declared.

Our location was 100 km from the coastline. We were warned about the oncoming storm but never expected the wrath. All precautions were taken except that the radar head was somehow forgotten. Anyways I ordered that the head be taken down. At about 4 pm I was informed that the boys were unable to climb and unleash the head from the tower. The velocity had reached almost 160 Km per hour. The JCO was in tears, it is then that I took the decision: to climb the tank myself, with no support.

I said to myself “I rather be blown away than face an enquiry…..” Cowardice was never in my dictionary, and my slow climb started with a spanner and long screwdriver stuck in my shorts. I was in my games dress, I still remember. In the meanwhile an alarm was raised as I would not listen to anyone. My head n heart was on the radar head. My loyal driver, Uttam, decided to fetch my wife and son to stop me. They arrived a little later. I could hear no one at that time, as I climbed slowly. A small group had gathered. It is then one of the operators gathered courage and followed me. He convinced me that he could do it .Then I let him get ahead as I followed. Finally the head was unbolted and lowered with lashing ropes. By then a few more boys had joined in.

THE RUSSEL'S VIPER

THE VIPER

I wonder at my courage that some people called foolhardiness. But my calm attitude after a calamity is what I appreciate. When there is no one else to look for help, it is then that inner courage, experience and training comes of help. Panic is the worst display of behavior, especially before troops. (read Munabao, where I was scared as a Commanding Officer)

It was about 4 o’clock in the evening and we were about to close our training and return to our barracks. I was the senior most battery commander. The place was near Madhopur, on the banks of the River Ravi, full of stones and pebbles. It was time for tea at our location. I was sitting on a boulder and watching the last few drill procedures. One of my favorites, Barber Baburam, comes running towards me with a dead black scorpion dangling from his hand. And he was warning me from sitting on the boulder. To which I added that we should be careful as in this region there will be saw scaled vipers who love eating scorpions.

As a nature lover I had a fair idea of types of snakes, specially the venomous ones. I had read books by Whittaker and books published by BNHS. During my tenure near the Ujh River area, I used to save huge beautiful Russel’s beautiful vipers from villagers. Villagers would mercilessly kill vipers (locally called Sothar) when they would be lazily basking in the winter sun. I used to collect them, keep them at home till the month of Mar-Apr, and left them in jungles when they would be very active.

Ten a hysterical call came that boys had detected a viper, and that led to a little commotion.It was already tea time, I asked them to collect around me and get me a glass tumbler. I caugt the snake and demonstrated te method of collection of poison, showed them the fangs and other aspects of a snake, like identifying their gender etc. After the snake was exhausted I kept it on the ground. I washed my hands and was holding a glass of hot tea.

The snake was slowly slithering away as the boys got back to work. A villager was passing by on his cyce. On seeing the snake he started shouting “sothar sothar” and picked up a hard piece of mud. I protested and wanted to save the snake. In this huddle I could not catch it well , as my rigt hand was holding the tea. My grip was loose, the snake turned around and managed to put one fang, that I clearly saw.

Now starts the thought process: My Co had given me the responsibility of conducting the training and brining all back in safety, so I could not run back; after all I had drained out all the poison; only one fang went in; little poison cannot do much damage. With these thought I waited with a tourniquet, finally closed down and reached home at about 8 pm, about four hours had passed.

At home as I was flipping through my books a drop of dark blood fell on the tiled floor, unnoticed. While bringing the ususal cup of welcome tea….is when my wife came to know and she raised the alarm….again Sanjoo, my CO Col Sethi…… I was rushed the hospital.

Here the drama began. I was suspected of attempt to commit suicide. The reasons: My BP and pulse was normal (I kept my cool thinking that the left hand is closure to my heart, and I must not rush my blood); I had too much knowledge (because I named the snake and the anti-dote, I did not was a general antidote!); I had not brought the snake for identification; snakes have two fangs not one! As I was only a major, I was not listened to. They were so annoyed of my knowledge, that they shifted me from emergency room to the normal officers’ ward for observation and not the ICU.

Everyone had left except Baburam as he was guilty of showing me the black scorpion that led to all this he thought.  It was about 4 am when I went to the washroom, the pot was white, yet in the poor light I could only see my dark urine, all blood. I sent Baburam to the DMO. Then I only saw doctors and bottles around me. I stayed in the ICU for 13 days, until my blood report was normal. I had to return because of our annual inspection.

I must not forget to mention that my friend then Wg Cdr Nair had arranged to fly in appropriate anti venin from Delhi, which the doctors refused. I was given doses for nerve toxin as well as hemotoxin….meant for all the big four (Cobra, Krait, and two vipers). Also that doctors requested me abstain from further advice on treatment!

LOCKDOWN A MOCK DRILL

LOCKDOWN – A MOCK DRILL

I am 65 years of age with high diabetes, though I follow a very active daily routine, courtesy my hobbies coupled with the desire to create. I have been looking after my mother for the past 19 years. With the intension of maintaining a good atmosphere my house rules (my perception) were rather strict. I thought that following them would bring in the ease of dealing with (health, mental, care…) issues in later days. This led to scolding, admonishing….that left the atmosphere tense many a times, I must agree.

On my journey towards self-management, one day I decided to let go and let life take its course, everyone comes with their luck I read, and prayed for peace to prevail. Maids took over duties. My concerns were symptomatic, my thoughts were calmer, and life started feeling comfortable. I was trying not to feel guilty of lack of concern, while I kept rationalizing my behavior. This distancing, I felt would lend an easier way of dealing with her departure. Lack of involvement, I thought would make my life peaceful. Then after about a year she passed away at 85 years of age. I waited for 40 nights but did not ever dream of her.

Did this behavior pave a way for me to better handle my emotions? Handle disaster?

That’s when Corona happened. Lockdown started. Friends and relatives’ messages and calls increased. People found more time to themselves, most of them onto their mobiles, connecting, downloading and receiving messages, pics and videos. Everything looked ok. People asked me as to how I was passing my time locked in. My standard reply was “It’s the same for me, no change in my schedule, I am busy as I was, just that I was walking at odd times”. I felt that loneliness had started creeping in too soon in peoples’ lives. Then came calls with the smell of slight panic “What will happen if…”

So what has lockdown done to me? If it has been able to make an appreciable change in my daily life, then I was leading a life mostly with external motivations. External motivations cannot be generally nullified but can be minimized, and this is the time to sit and introspect on issues like: How was my day without expressing my views? Without meeting people? Without the urge of exhibiting? How was my day with myself? Etc.

If you have been a responsible citizen then you need not be policed. You know what is right and what is wrong behavior within the expectations of the society you live in. You just change your actions as per the prevailing conditions. If the mind convinces you to change, then the body follows effortlessly. You must foresee what your opinion does to people and vice versa in these moments. Silence pays. With maturity this calm down within will happen if one can ignore the external interferences. We now have the time to gradually evaluate our beliefs and values, identify our templates and remove them if possible. We can now try to change the way we think, act or choose not to act. 

We meet a large number of people daily, some regularly, and mostly live with a few permanently. Very few live alone physically I presume. There are moments / issues that are bound to interact or interfere. By now we should have discerned the effect of each meet. We now can predict the result of interactions that leaves one contented, stressful or thoughtless? Discern and decide, we have the time at your disposal now. If we all must go all “alone” on the final day, then there will be fewer and fewer people in our worlds as that day approaches. So, find that peaceful company ( thoughts, friends, books, …) that gives you quietude.

Taking a stock of things, have we never estimated/planned a healthy longevity say for 10 to 15 years more? Can we not plan these decades where we can enjoy with practically no responsibilities? With only good thoughts, exercises, good friends or a good partner? All these we know are a result of our investments so far.  We can choose our partner now who could also be our elated thoughts, books or any hobbies…necessarily not a human….

This is the best time when we can work on our internal self. Reduce extrinsic influences to a maximum. Gauge our preparedness so far; see where we need to work upon, find the gaps. Make a log of all those things that we miss and why? How much does of it weigh you down? How well do you know yourself, your desires, wants and needs? It is time to think, contemplate and meditate. As an individual no one can make you feel better than you yourself. Hence I say that this lockdown is only a mock drill preparing you for a bigger calamity. And if all is well after this, it will make us a calmer person, readying to handle adversaries.

OUR GENERALS

I took a keen interest and followed as to what was happening between the General and the govt. Finally you know what happened. Recently, I also saw a video talk between Barkha - Gen Carduzo (I admire) - Gen Oberoi ( I know). Some pressure within me asks me to put my suggesstions to all the senior officers. And wish they could reply!

Why are these generals taking up cases where they themselves are involved? Why not take up cases in which others are involved without personal gains?

Gen carduzo makes a point "Where is the enemy?". Since training days we guarded the rear from where the DS would come in, those were young days jokes. So where is the enemy? General search the oirganization and you shall find enemies within!

Why did the General not take up a case when the choice was between chief-ship and age? Where was honour and integrity then. Was he coerced? Did he do it under duress? Was he playing games? A true soldier does not play games.

Now it's Gen Oberoi, with regards, great Generals! But wants everything for themselves.
Once I had suggested " Two way reporting" in a forum. The reaction by the Generals & Brigadoers was furious! Do we have the courage to take feedbacks and rectify whats going wrong within the organisation to save this lovely place from just becoming a money earning machine?

The real picture emerges when the uniform is off!
Do we have the guts to permit the media to enter the fold of officers and take interviews?
How many generals can boast their achievements and accept feedback in open forums? Leadership is easy with the stars and emblems! Only wars can sort things out but the cost would be heavy!!

Everytime I have to answer questions on the behaviour of the army, I pray. But people in civies still have great respect for the uniform, please dont tarnish it further. LOOK WITHIN. Live like a soldier not served by soldiers!

ONE LONE STAR

ONE LONE STAR

It was my habit to venture out. Try new things, like once we got into trouble in Sikkim with one of my favourites Sanjoo (Now Lt Gen Sanjeev Kanal). But this incident happened in the deserts. People knew that I used to take long walks alone and love to be with nature. So this late evening, we were free while the major portion of the group was yet to fetch up. Everybody was busy setting up camp. We were also tired after a long journey. This part of the desert was not so lifeless, there were trees and shrubs at distances.

So I went walking. Enjoying the evening breeze. Till I reached a high dune with a sharp ledge. The site was beautiful with the sun that had just set beyond the horizon and was still colouring the sky with its hue. I sat on the warm sand as the wind blew, making it uneasy at the edge as if it would just give way. That creepy feeling below is good at times. And then I decided to let go. It was the best slide of my life, as I felt like a child being wshed down by an avalanche of soft sand. I could climb back up no more so tried talking a detour. It was dark I did not have a watch, and with all my knowledge of astronomy, I could only see the North Star. I could now measure the time lapsed but could not know the exact time. I had to return!

I knew people get lost in deserts, there was no other lights, no guidance and there were life threatening sidewinders too. I kept walking ... hours had passed but no camp in sight! It was past midnight surely. Then I got very tired and exhausted, my water bottle was almost empty. Gradually fear was gripping me, as all sorts of thoughts haunted me. Surely I wouldnt die ... but things could happen. I was lost.

After a lot of deliberation I decided to conserve my energy and sleep under a tree atop a dune till it was dawn. One on my bad nights that I ever had, desperately waiting for light. Everything was so silent dark and cold. But as people say that I can sleep anywhere and snore!

I got my morning tea with a "good morning saab"! Afterall I was sleeping so close to the perimeter of my camp position!

That's getting lost in the desert!